Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[Sycsa]

Sycsa, I don't really know you (though I've seen the name) but I have a saying around here: "Man plans, and God laughs."   And these past couple years have seemingly beat us over the head with that idea.

Yeah, we have that in my native Hungarian as well, "Ember tervez, Isten végez" (Man plans, God executes, but it rhymes). Hey, at least Dream Theater is still around and releasing quality material on a regular basis, that's something. And they finally nailed the drum sound after a mere decade. 

[Phoenix87x]

My bad. Wrong thread

[Chino]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful. 

[cramx3]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

That's how I felt when I ended things with the girl I dated for a good part of 2020.  It was a shock to her, but because it was something in my mind for awhile it was such a huge relief and yet... I felt like a total asshole.  I even told her that.  SHe actually took it really well though, but still, took a bit to shake that feeling of being a douche.  BUt really, you did the right thing.  If it's not right, you need to end it as much as it hurts.

[ReaperKK]

That sucks Chino especially if they don't see it coming. If you're not feeling it though then it's the right call. I can relate to the shitty feeling but sticking around in a relationship you're not into is a worse feeling (I know from experience)

[Stadler]

Brian, thinking about you.  I'm not in that position right now, thank goodness, but I do understand it; whether it's right or not for you (and I assume it was the right thing to do) there's always that notion of "hurting someone".   But for me, a helpful way of looking at it is that there's pain either way; it's whether it's a one-and-done, sharp pain, like banging your elbow, or a long, protracted throbbing pain, as you're both in a relationship where not everyone is putting in the full measure. I think you're probably doing you both a favor; you can feel, you can deal, and you can move on. 

[Adami]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.

That help?

[Stadler]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.

That help?

Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no? 

[cramx3]

 

[Adami]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.

That help?

Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no?

For me, but she was not Jewish. And she looooved Christmas.

[Stadler]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.

That help?

Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no?

For me, but she was not Jewish. And she looooved Christmas.

Oh wow.  Animal. 

[Adami]

Made my people proud.

[Harmony]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I'm sorry you feel conflicted but I think it is normal.  I hope this isn't cutting too close but I have noticed in myself that suffering a big loss, as you have with your beloved cat, can really rock your world and sometimes that means rocking your relationships.  And that doesn't mean that it is a bad thing.  But loss and grief can precipitate other big changes in our lives.  Maybe it is a part of clearing a path toward something better.  I hope that is the case.

[ReaperKK]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I once dumped my fiancé on Christmas.

That help?

Yes, but you're Jewish; that was just Tuesday, no? 

My college roommate once dumped his gf at Busch Gardens (theme park in Florida) while her parents were there, he did it there so that her parents could drive her home so he wouldn't have to. She was staying with him but her parents lived 4+ hours away.

[Adami]

Well I wasn't that bad!

We were living together in a condo I owned. I temporarily moved out and let her live there for free until she was able to find a place.

That's gotta count for something, right?

[Chino]

I broke things off with my GF last night. We were together since last May and it took her 100% by surprise. I've never broken up with someone before (being the initiator). I have this weird crossover feeling between relief and being a complete piece of shit. It's weird. I feel awful.

I'm sorry you feel conflicted but I think it is normal.  I hope this isn't cutting too close but I have noticed in myself that suffering a big loss, as you have with your beloved cat, can really rock your world and sometimes that means rocking your relationships.  And that doesn't mean that it is a bad thing.  But loss and grief can precipitate other big changes in our lives.  Maybe it is a part of clearing a path toward something better.  I hope that is the case.

The cat was the straw that broke the camel's back tbh. I struggled to find a lot of happiness in that relationship. The girl was unbelievably kind, sweet, smart, responsible, debt free, level-headed, etc... We just didn't click often enough and had a hard time conversing about a lot of things. She had a really, really rough upbringing, and I attributed most of her shortcomings to that.

Anyway, when the cat died, she just wasn't there, and it bothered me. Her mother (woman who adopted her) passed away about 10 days before Christmas last year. On the day my cat died (2/7), I asked if she could come over. I was feeling terrible and wanted the company of my girlfriend. She couldn't come over because one of her mom's friend's was looking through some of her mom's arts and crafts totes that night. It pissed me off frankly. Seemed like an easy enough situation to just say "hey, can you come over another night this week. My BF's got an emergency and I need to head over there".  Seeing my ex on that same day didn't help matters any.

It was definitely the right move though. I've been iffy about the relationship since we took our Christmas vacation, but was chalking up a lot of my discomfort on that trip to her mom just passing away. It's been a few days now, and I'm not really feeling like anything was lost. I feel like that's a terrible thing to say, but it's the truth. I'm doing just fine and any lingering sadness from this is 100% rooted in me being the reason for the pain she's in.

[Stadler]

Chino, I'm not really seeing a problem.  I mean, I could articulate a "adoptive mom dying" versus "cat dying" difference, but the point is, if either party is not getting what they need or want from a relationship, then as painful as it may be, you have to move on.  I thankfully don't have a ton of wreckage in my (romantic) past, but I do have one breakup like the one you're describing, and frankly, other than an occasional wistful memory (she was a HUGE Meatloaf fan, so I thought of her briefly when he died) I haven't looked back, and frankly, I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for, and neither do you.

[TheCountOfNYC]

I feel a little guilty posting this here as I know this isn't quite the same as what this thread is intended for, but there really isn't another place to talk about this.

I'm in a happy relationship (for those who followed my other thread about my relationship and a rough spot that we hit that was 100% my fault, we worked our shit out). My girlfriend has a really cool job in television production, but unfortunately in a COVID ruled world this means that when it's time for production on her show to resume, all employees must go into what's called a bubble shoot which means staff can't leave and can't have guests come to their hotel rooms. She left for the next season of her show in Atlanta on Monday. It's now Tuesday and the reality of her absence hit me like a train today. It's a six week shoot, and truth be told I don't know how I'm gonna handle it. I promised myself I would never fall into this trap in a relationship again after my brutal breakup with my high school sweetheart six years ago, but three years into my current relationship and all I want to do is be around her, so when she's gone I really have a rough time.

[Chino]

Can you guys find a way to spend time together when she's on the road? Maybe get a pair of Switch Lites and play games together or something a few nights a week? Even if it's just dicking around for the sake of hearing each other's voices, it can go a long way.

[cramx3]

Or maybe set a time in the evening for both of you to video chat?  I've done that when traveling for work.

[Stadler]

All good suggestions; I've had to spend significant time apart from a loved one, to varying degrees of success.  It takes work, but it is doable.  Your communication skills have to be ON POINT.  Discuss things over the phone and by video, regularly, so that if/when you get real face time it's not spent on "where the dog shit", or "why the Barclay's bill was so high this month".  If one of you is looking for, ah, affection, and the other is in finance mode, it might start to build resentment.

And there's always this:  we're 10 weeks into 2022, and it feels like the week before Christmas was two days ago.  Time flies, tempus fugit.

[Melphina]

Yup. Just stay in communication. Routine is a bit monotonous and dull to me but you have to compromise and find something that works for both of you. My partner is a trucker so I regularly go 4, 6 weeks without seeing her, sometimes more. I'm the type of person who does great on his own without any communication though, so I handle that stuff very easily. Indulge in whatever hobbies you have so that when you do talk to her you haven't just been marinating in a sad funk the rest of the day. Like Stadler said, your communication has to be on point. Make her feel loved and missed and hopefully she does the same and all is well. 

[cramx3]

And there's always this:  we're 10 weeks into 2022, and it feels like the week before Christmas was two days ago.  Time flies, tempus fugit.

Ain't that the truth

[Skeever]

I did a Long Distance Relationship for 2 years. We made time to talk every evening (or morning, sometimes both). We'd watch shows together while on video chat, too. It was very hard, but we made it work. There were times when we both were tested, and I know I was guilty of emotional (if not physical) trangressions. But we got through it. Happily married going on 8 years now. 

[TheCountOfNYC]

It's ironic because while I'm usually a hermit who much prefers being alone than around people, my girlfriend is the one exception, as I'll always take time with her over time alone, and she's the one person in my life who I'm unable to see for long stretches. We'll be ok (this is her third bubble shoot since we started dating) but it still sucks.

[Phoenix87x]

Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?

Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.

[cramx3]

Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?

Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.

Well, no since I met my current gf online.  But I will add, maybe go to a concert?  To my surprise, I was actually hit on last weekend at a show.  I can't recall the last time a girl came up to me and started chatting and showing interest in me like that.  I ended the convo fairly quick because it felt like she was aggressively trying to gain my attention (not like the other girl and guys I was chatting to prior which was very obviously friendly) but hey if someone can hit on me at a concert, maybe that's not a bad place to go (and see a show).

[TheCountOfNYC]

Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?

Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.

Online dating was never really my thing, but that's also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn't exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn't approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, "normal" haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We've been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it's getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn't really a viable option for the past two years.

[Stadler]

Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?

Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.

Online dating was never really my thing, but that's also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn't exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn't approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, "normal" haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We've been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it's getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn't really a viable option for the past two years.

I think that is part of it.  No expectations.  I'm married, so there's no follow through, but I travel a fair amount for work, and I don't like hotel rooms at all; they give me anxiety (I'm working on that in therapy!).   So I'll sit in the hotel lobby, or a bar (depending where I am) and just talk to people.  About the weather, sports, politics (not usually), music, whatever, and you'd be surprised how that goes over.  It's not easy for me; I'm an introvert in the sense that it takes energy to do that, but I think people sense when there's an agenda, versus when there's just... conversation for the sake of conversation.  Especially in this post-COVID age where organic connection is so hard to come by.  Granted, I wear my ring religiously, and I'm very upfront about that, but I also am at peace with the fact that I'm no Bradley Cooper, so there has to be something there. 

[lordxizor]

Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?

Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.

Online dating was never really my thing, but that's also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn't exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn't approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, "normal" haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We've been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it's getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn't really a viable option for the past two years.

I think that is part of it.  No expectations.  I'm married, so there's no follow through, but I travel a fair amount for work, and I don't like hotel rooms at all; they give me anxiety (I'm working on that in therapy!).   So I'll sit in the hotel lobby, or a bar (depending where I am) and just talk to people.  About the weather, sports, politics (not usually), music, whatever, and you'd be surprised how that goes over.  It's not easy for me; I'm an introvert in the sense that it takes energy to do that, but I think people sense when there's an agenda, versus when there's just... conversation for the sake of conversation.  Especially in this post-COVID age where organic connection is so hard to come by.  Granted, I wear my ring religiously, and I'm very upfront about that, but I also am at peace with the fact that I'm no Bradley Cooper, so there has to be something there. 

This is funny, because for me it was the exact opposite. I enjoyed knowing when a woman was interested in me to date and not just in a friendly way. I was absolutely horrible at letting my intentions be known when I met women I liked in real life, so for me the clarity of meeting online where the intention was to date was a relief.

[Stadler]

Do any of you guys meet people outside of online dating and if so where do you go?

Online dating is usually my go to but its been dry lately, and not being in school anymore surrounded by tons of people, I'm just trying to figure out some more IRL dating options.

Online dating was never really my thing, but that's also because the two and a half years that I was single I didn't exactly have the highest opinion of myself, so I didn't approach the dating scene with the most confidence. I was always extremely uncomfortable having a conversation with someone with the express intention of going out, and it showed in the way all of my DM conversations unfolded. My relationship with my girlfriend developed completely organically from meeting through mutual friends, becoming good friends ourselves, and then because of that friendship I was comfortable enough with her to let my guard down and actually be myself. And even though I had a crush on her from the moment I met her, I trusted her enough as a friend to not let that get in the way. With time (and a much needed, "normal" haircut on my end), she developed feelings as well, and after almost a year of friendship I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date, something I had actually never done before in my life as I always let my anxiety get in the way. We've been together for almost three years now. It really boils down to what works best for someone. Some people approach dating with the ideal mindset for dating apps, while for others the best way to go about things is meeting people in person, and some people like myself take that a step further and need a strong friendship first. I will say with the world opening up more it's getting easier again to go out and meet people in public, which wasn't really a viable option for the past two years.

I think that is part of it.  No expectations.  I'm married, so there's no follow through, but I travel a fair amount for work, and I don't like hotel rooms at all; they give me anxiety (I'm working on that in therapy!).   So I'll sit in the hotel lobby, or a bar (depending where I am) and just talk to people.  About the weather, sports, politics (not usually), music, whatever, and you'd be surprised how that goes over.  It's not easy for me; I'm an introvert in the sense that it takes energy to do that, but I think people sense when there's an agenda, versus when there's just... conversation for the sake of conversation.  Especially in this post-COVID age where organic connection is so hard to come by.  Granted, I wear my ring religiously, and I'm very upfront about that, but I also am at peace with the fact that I'm no Bradley Cooper, so there has to be something there. 

This is funny, because for me it was the exact opposite. I enjoyed knowing when a woman was interested in me to date and not just in a friendly way. I was absolutely horrible at letting my intentions be known when I met women I liked in real life, so for me the clarity of meeting online where the intention was to date was a relief.

No, I get that (I met my wife online).   I'm talking about something more specific; once you've decided to pursue non-online means, what are the avenues. 

[MrBoom_shack-a-lack]

Nvm

[Phoenix87x]

I've been out of school for a few years and that was my main spot for meeting partners. I get around 1 date a month from online dating, but nothing has solidified and I really would like to start a family. 

Where do you guys meet people other than online dating? I'm really not into the bar scene.

[Chino]

I've had the best luck online, Bumble primarily. I rate myself a 7/10 on my best day and had stupid amounts of enounters. Do you Reddit? There are some subs (r/Bumble, r/Tinder, etc..) that can help you out with your profile a ton.   

Maybe it's the milenial in me, bit I find "in-person" prospecting to be terribly inefficient. Not saying it can work, it's just inefficient. I guess if you want to meet people in person, go to bars or whatever that match your vibe. Other than that, check FB or whatever for groups and clubs interested in hobbies or local entertainment you're into. Go to those events and try your luck

[Phoenix87x]

I totally agree with you Chino. We're about the same age and I prefer online because you know the dealbreakers right up front. It is definitely much more efficient. 

I do bumble as well, but have had the least success on that app, lol. I get around one like every 4 days or so on a good week. Maybe my profile is lacking. I'll check out reddit for tips. Thank though.