Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip

[bout to crash]

Yeah, I knew I was probably over thinking it since that's what I do
His work shift goes til midnight so he was probably just busy because he texted me back about quarter after saying it was sweet of me to say that and then we talked movies a bit. So it's all good.

This afternoon I'm meeting up with a friend who just got dumped, poor guy

[Prog Snob]

Seeeee...   

A woman I messaged a month ago responded to me last night. We had a really short conversation so I don't know what to make of it but we'll see. Here's where I start thinking too much. She was about to watch a movie last night so I sent the last message. She didn't respond to it, but I thought it would be nice if I just sent her a good morning/afternoon message. Do you think that's pushing it or should I just wait for her to respond. I figured it's harmless to just say hi. Maybe it slipped her mind that I responded back last night.

[carl320]

I've been texting and spending time with someone recently.  We've known each other for years, but there's a reason for that.  She is a good friends (and former band mates) ex-girlfriend.  I'm not entirely sure how to go about this situation.  I feel like I need to call my friend and let him know that I've been spending time with his ex (they broke up a year and a half ago, so I don't think it's a rebound thing).

DTF LHC, what would you do?

[sylvan]

If he's still a friend, especially a good friend, you for sure have to talk to him about it. How he feels about it, and how you feel about her and your friendship with him, will determine what happens. Maybe he won't care. Maybe he will. And even if he does, he might still be okay with it if he values your friendship too. That's just the way this shit goes. Obviously it's on your mind, so that's a good thing. If you're thinking about it, you're less likely to receive your buddy.

[TioJorge]

This is why it's good to have no friends.

[Prog Snob]

I've been texting and spending time with someone recently.  We've known each other for years, but there's a reason for that.  She is a good friends (and former band mates) ex-girlfriend.  I'm not entirely sure how to go about this situation.  I feel like I need to call my friend and let him know that I've been spending time with his ex (they broke up a year and a half ago, so I don't think it's a rebound thing).

DTF LHC, what would you do?

If he's a good friend then I would say something. You don't know how he might feel about it. Never let a woman come between a friendship.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, definitely say something before he finds out from her or somebody else. They've been broken up a long time so that's good, but people react differently to that sort of thing. When I was about 18 a friend lost her shit on me because she found out I was hanging out with her ex. We weren't even dating or anything, we had been friends for a long time. She's a psycho so that probably won't happen to you, but you never know- he could still be into her or something. Even if he's not, that would be a shitty thing to find out way down the road, if you guys are at all close.

Curious about what you guys think of my friend's situation. His gf of eight months just broke up with him. They hadn't had sex in four months. Apparently she has a history of trauma and has been seeking therapy and told him she wanted to work on her shit alone. BUT there was an ex of hers that recently came back into the picture out of the blue. Also, after breaking up with him she told him she loved him, a couple of times.

IMO, she is stringing him along because she wants him to wait for her... either until she gets her trauma stuff straightened out OR until she finds out whether she can rekindle things with the ex. I don't necessarily think people do these things on purpose- I totally strung a guy along in college because I DID still love him, but should've just cut the cord, looking back. I wasn't trying to mess with his head, but I was confused and I didn't want to lose him completely even though it wasn't working for me.

Anyway, I think it's really unfair to tell somebody basically "I love you, but..." It leaves the other person hanging and doesn't allow them to really grieve the relationship/move on because they're holding onto this hope like "Well, this person still loves me so maybe they'll come back."
I feel bad for my friend

[cramx3]

Yikes.  I'd stay away from that.  I mean, they haven't had sex in four months.  That says enough without knowing about trauma (unless the trauma is the reason for no sex) and ex being in the picture.  Your friend probably has some strong feelings, but those feelings seem most likely to get hurt further at this point.  Best to move on IMO.

Prog, I wouldn't rush things with messaging if you are really interested in the girl, it took her a month to respond to your first message.  I'd give it some time for her to respond again.

Carl, you have to tell the truth to your friend.  Let him know how you and the girl feel for each other so as a friend he should hopefully be able to support it going further, if not, well then I don't know.

I just had phone sex  (I don't think I've ever done that before, well since no one talks on the phone anymore)

[bout to crash]

I have had phone sex quite a few times but was never really into it. I like being talked to in a sexy way, but I don't like being the one doing the talking. I always feel really silly.
I recently found a funny journal entry from college where I was having phone sex with some guy who hung up on me because I started laughing

And yeah, I told my friend he should move on, and all of the other things I mentioned to you guys, about what I think she's doing. I hope he doesn't sit around waiting for her!

[Prog Snob]

Prog, I wouldn't rush things with messaging if you are really interested in the girl, it took her a month to respond to your first message.  I'd give it some time for her to respond again.


I just had phone sex  (I don't think I've ever done that before, well since no one talks on the phone anymore)

Oops..too late. I already messaged her. It was just a "good afternoon, how are you? How was the movie last night" That's it.

As far as the phone sex, I've done that a multitude of times in the past. I have to say I haven't done it in years. I'm trying to think back to when it was. We're talking at least ten years ago, probably more. It's not that I don't want to. It's just the women I've been with in recent years haven't been into it. I was surprised that Natalie wasn't into it because she was the second most sexually liberal woman I've ever been with. I won't get into the details but phone sex she was never into.

I have had phone sex quite a few times but was never really into it. I like being talked to in a sexy way, but I don't like being the one doing the talking. I always feel really silly.
I recently found a funny journal entry from college where I was having phone sex with some guy who hung up on me because I started laughing

And yeah, I told my friend he should move on, and all of the other things I mentioned to you guys, about what I think she's doing. I hope he doesn't sit around waiting for her!

I think he should definitely move on. That's the best advice you can give him. Unless he really does care about this girl and thinks she is worth the wait, of course.

[TioJorge]

I really like it when a woman tells me to play out her rape fantasies with her during phone sex.

"ALRIGHT NOW I'M GRABBING YOUR HANDS KIND OF HARD BUT NOT HARD ENOUGH TO HURT YOU TOO MUCH BUT JUST ENOUGH TO RELEASE THOSE JUICY ENDORPHINS! NOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING AND I AM FORCED TO SPANK YOUR ASS TO STOP YOU FROM MOVING. NO U. SILENCE! NOW I'M PULLING YOUR HAIR AND USING THOSE FUZZY HANDCUFFS WE GOT FROM JEFF AND CHARLEEN FOR DIRTY CHRISTMAS TO ENSLAVE YOU TO OUR BED!"


Phone sex always gives me a really floppy noodle dick. I don't think I've tried it since highschool and like Jackie, it usually just makes me laugh. Even the couple times I moved past sounding like a complete dumbfuck and been srssexybznsstime it's just made me feel juvenile. Just nothankyakindly. It's either the real deal or I'm just gonna go ahead and masturbate to moving pictures of people actually doing it.




*GASP* Oh fuck, guys. I just...I just had a horrible thought. I mean truly vile and horrendous... what if.... WHAT IF THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MASTURBATE TO VIDEOS OF PEOPLE HAVING PHONE SEX. *frantic crying in the fetal position* That thought...is worse than finding out scat kinks were a real thing.

[Stadler]

Oh man, I definitely think you made the right choice. Gawd you sound so much like me, especially with.. let's call him Plant Man? Lol.. not sure why he doesn't have a nickname yet. That would have driven me crazy, not getting any feedback. You made it clear to her that you wanted her to make the plans, which was totally reasonable, and she couldn't even make that work. Maybe it's the stoner thing, who knows. But that combined with the kissing and the lack of showing interest spells lots of trouble. I'm sorry you're feeling grumpy and disheartened- I don't blame you and I've been there (remember when I had those three OKC strikes that all started out promisingly in a short time? Oy vey).

So, here's my update. I finally decided to let plant guy know how I felt last night, because I realized I was still upset two days later and was tired of holding it in. We hadn't talked in 24hrs when I sent this:



And after that I said something about it being a rough week and that maybe I was feeling a bit more sensitive but that was where I was at. He said he was sorry it's been a rough week, and that was all of our communication yesterday, period.

So late morning today I figured I would try to break the ice and make him laugh. I sent him this because it popped up on my FB, and because I like to tease him about his sports love:



But instead of the lighthearted response I was expecting, I immediately felt him on the defensive. He basically just started defending sports to me. So I sort of lightly debated the points he was making and thought we were just having a harmless back and forth..  long story, but this basically ended in him calling me a sheep because I voted for Obama (wtf, I know). When I called him out on being defensive, he tried to play it off like it was because of my texts from this morning, and said I could "read into things all I wanted" but he felt like I was attacking him with the sports stuff. It was super weird and irrational IMO, and it was pretty clear to me that he was still upset by my text from last night. I finally got him to admit that, sort of, by saying "Well I didn't go to bed smiling."
It felt very much to me like he was looking for some sort of apology or take-back. But I'm fucking done apologizing to people for having feelings. I think I said what I had to say in a mature, adult way, and he ended up having a delayed reaction that was pretty childish. I told him I wasn't sure what to say at this point but hoped he was having a good day, and we exchanged a couple more bare bones texts but that was it. Honestly, if we're done because I fucking told him how I felt, he can kiss my ass. The fact that he got so defensive about it says to me that he knows it's true and he's feeling like an asshole, but what do I know?  I'm just peeved and tired of this shit.

I do have two pieces of good news!

1. I had a date with heavy metal yoga guy tonight and it was really nice! Sort of low energy as we both had shite weeks/days and have been feeling down, but we spent hours having really great conversation, ate a good meal, looked at some art, and cuddled.

2. At the art show, I ran into my ex (video store guy, the one who I broke things off with and then later tried to spark a friendship with but sorta got guilt-tripped so I backed off). I knew he'd probably be there because it was one of his best friends' shows so I almost chickened out, but I knew we would have to cross paths eventually so I braved it and it ended up going surprisingly well. We had a brief but good conversation- he basically vented to me about all his recent life drama and grief over David Bowie  (so typical him ), and the energy was good. It didn't feel forced, though eventually I needed to get out of there. We hugged and he said I should stop in the store sometime. So that's good news. I do want to be friends with him and maybe we're both finally ready. I'm over the drama and hopefully he is too.

You voted for Obama??

[Stadler]

^^^  That was just a joke.  Seriously.   (Along the lines of... "that whole post, and THAT'S what you took from it?")

But something dawned on me, and I realize I am going to sound like a VERY old man here, but it's not inconsistent with what I wrote to Cram, so I'll give it a try.


I don't know that the "dating pool has turned into a sea of mediocrity".  I think the texting and apps and crap has made us able to be way more selective.   I've said too many times to count, I get the idea of having the "right" to not be with someone who you don't totally click with, but I also see the wisdom of letting some of this percolate.  I don't mean "just get used to" like in the old days, but letting someone/something develop.

John Petrucci didn't just pop out of the womb as a super awesome guitarist.   His skill, his passion, his ability to entertain us developed over time, and was honed through a lot of trial and error.   People are like that as well.  Think of jobs where it took some time to settle in.   Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from.  And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly.  Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".   

And for the record, continuing the "old school theme", I kinda like phone sex, with the right person (as Jackie alluded to, it's better when it's not just one person talking and the other... you know.)

[sylvan]

Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from.  And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly.  Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".

This is how I feel. It seems like some of you guys are too quick to throw somebody away (no offense to anyone). It's fine to have principles when it comes to dealing with someone you've just met, and feeling like they're taking advantage of you or not respecting your time or whatever (PlantGuy is a good example of lack of respect). But Jackie's friend, for instance, has been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, and is obviously invested if he's given her space to figure out her stuff, and not have sex for four months. If he honestly thinks that she is keeping him on the hook until she knows about the ex, then maybe he should tell her to kick rocks. But if she's really trying to get herself straight, not just for herself, but for him too, then why bail? Just because it's tough times?

And for the record, continuing the "old school theme", I kinda like phone sex, with the right person (as Jackie alluded to, it's better when it's not just one person talking and the other... you know.)

This serious womean I've been talking too has realized  we're not really right for each other long term (she hates that I smoke weed... and I don't care!), and I totally agree. But she's still been talking to me, and I wanna try and make some sort of play. She's done all this talk about romance, even told me she wished I was around when she had a few drinks. I tried to kinda move the text conversation towards "sexual", but I've never really done that and  she wasn't really picking up on it.  I'm trying to get her to go out for drinks, but I walso kinda wanna set a certain tone. This is not at all my expertise. Any suggestions?

[cramx3]

Sylvan, i'd throw some more hints to give her the idea of what you are looking for.  If she wants to be serious though, I don't see it likely she will just have sex.  If she isn't getting the hints, it may be on purpose.  If you know there isn't going to be something serious, maybe having an honest conversation about it is the way to go.

As for the phone sex, I actually really enjoyed it.  I've never met this girl, but she has a really sexy voice.  She knows it too.  She kept talking previously about leaving voice mails so I could listen to her voice.  She was good at the talking part, I got quiet a few times because I didn't want to say anything... just listen and beat  but apparently she really enjoyed the things I did say.  She might want to meet up tonight now, for the first time, I almost feel like that could be an odd encounter.

Stadler, good points as usual.  The selectiveness and ease of rejection with the technology today has changed the way we all date.  I always think about unjustly "dumping" a girl.  But there is some deep psychology behind it in my mind, for me.  I spent 9 years with a girl and the last 2 of them (the two years after I proposed to her) I knew it was not going to work and could not effectively dump her.  My counselor we saw together to see if we could make it work, told me after I let him know why I knew it wouldn't work "you are a pussy, you know what you have to do".  Well it took another 6 months after that, but ending the engagement was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  Every time I start feeling like things aren't going to go anywhere with a girl, I get the feeling I need to end it now, before I get too attached.  It's sad to admit this, but I've ended it with almost every girl I've dated so I definitely know I can pull the trigger quick and I know for a fact some of these woman would make great wives, just not for me. (including my ex).   I know you didn't direct that at me, but felt like I wanted to add my perspective.

Dating is also a skill that is honed through trial and error.  I do feel like I've gotten better at knowing who and what works with me in the almost year and a half of being single.

[Prog Snob]

Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from.  And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly.  Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".

This is how I feel. It seems like some of you guys are too quick to throw somebody away (no offense to anyone). It's fine to have principles when it comes to dealing with someone you've just met, and feeling like they're taking advantage of you or not respecting your time or whatever (PlantGuy is a good example of lack of respect). But Jackie's friend, for instance, has been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, and is obviously invested if he's given her space to figure out her stuff, and not have sex for four months. If he honestly thinks that she is keeping him on the hook until she knows about the ex, then maybe he should tell her to kick rocks. But if she's really trying to get herself straight, not just for herself, but for him too, then why bail? Just because it's tough times?

Actually you're both wrong in my case. I've messaged just about every woman in my area saying hello and a few other words.  I'm willing to give anyone a chance because I don't think a profile properly depicts what a person is all about. The percentage of responses I get is lower than 5%, so the obvious problem isn't me. I'm willing to keep an open mind. It's these shallow Staten Island women looking for the Jersey Shore types. Brooklyn and Manhattan women won't touch me because to travel to Staten Island is a huge inconvenience for them. I can't date New Jersey girls because of my license suspension, so I'll have to wait until May to check out the Garden State again. Staten Island seems to be what I'm stuck with and the women just aren't responding.

[bout to crash]

That is a shame, John.

Sylvan, I see what you're saying about my friend but it seems shady to me. I really don't think it's fair to leave another person hanging, whether it's because you want to go nail somebody else or because you have legit shit to work out. Cut the cord IMO, and then if sometime down the road it can work out again that's fine, but it's just messed up to me to keep saying you love the person but can't be with them. He's already hurt, and he can't fully heal.

Cram, did your counselor actually call you a pussy?!
Anyway, I know how that is. I've stayed in a few relationships way too long.

But yeah, dating is definitely a skill. I think I've gotten better at it but am nowhere near perfect.

No word from Plant Guy since Friday night (last text was just him saying "I feel ya" when I said I was glad the week was over. I'm a bit anxious over it, but mostly not. I'm thinking it might be over, and this doesn't upset me much. I'm also really glad I changed my mind on selling him my second Opeth beer now

[Stadler]

Some of these people we're talking about, we have no idea where they are coming from.  And while there are some cases that are clear cut "not for us" (sorry, Jackie, but "Plant Guy" seems to fall in here), I have to believe that while it looks like "mediocrity", some of us (and no, I'm not digging at you here, Cram, I do mean this generally) may be throwing good catches back a little quickly.  Sometimes it takes some time to "find a rhythm".

This is how I feel. It seems like some of you guys are too quick to throw somebody away (no offense to anyone). It's fine to have principles when it comes to dealing with someone you've just met, and feeling like they're taking advantage of you or not respecting your time or whatever (PlantGuy is a good example of lack of respect). But Jackie's friend, for instance, has been in a relationship for a decent amount of time, and is obviously invested if he's given her space to figure out her stuff, and not have sex for four months. If he honestly thinks that she is keeping him on the hook until she knows about the ex, then maybe he should tell her to kick rocks. But if she's really trying to get herself straight, not just for herself, but for him too, then why bail? Just because it's tough times?

Actually you're both wrong in my case. I've messaged just about every woman in my area saying hello and a few other words.  I'm willing to give anyone a chance because I don't think a profile properly depicts what a person is all about. The percentage of responses I get is lower than 5%, so the obvious problem isn't me. I'm willing to keep an open mind. It's these shallow Staten Island women looking for the Jersey Shore types. Brooklyn and Manhattan women won't touch me because to travel to Staten Island is a huge inconvenience for them. I can't date New Jersey girls because of my license suspension, so I'll have to wait until May to check out the Garden State again. Staten Island seems to be what I'm stuck with and the women just aren't responding.

We're talking dating, not fixing the brakes on a car, so there is no real science here.  Obviously, if you meet a guy who asks you to wear your hair in pigtails and says "Let me get a quick photo of you sucking on this lollipop" on the first date, there's a red flag there.   I'm just saying that if you've been burned badly enough it takes more than a cute guy, 20 texts and a halfway decent date to really let your guard down.   It's not me, it's not my life, but some of these stories seem like they're pointing in a certain direction (I'd bet a copy of "The Astonishing" that Sylvan's friend's girl isn't suffering from trauma, unless "trauma" is defined as "her ex-boyfriend's cock", and I think "Plant Guy" is pretty wrapped up in his own existence) and 99% of the time, it seems like the "star" of the story is in synch with that.  But once in a blue moon it seems pretty cut and dry, and yet the "star" of the story is heading in a different direction (and now I am referring to you, Cram, though I recognize it is none of my business, and you need not explain yourself to me).  You may full well not want to invest the time, and you may full well know a lot more about the circumstances than I do, but it just smacks to me of her needing to adjust.

Speaking of "gut instincts", Sylvan's is another example.  I can't tell you how many times on Match I met women - usually in their mid- to late 30's, early 40's, that were all "Oh, I'm looking for this, and I don't want to do that, and I'm not interested in that" (the "that" usually meaning something like sex on a first date, or sexting, or phone sex or something like that) and then they promptly do exactly that.   I found it to be a mechanism; they know what they WANT, but they know what is, in theory anyway, expected of them.  They've been taught that women that have sex on a first date are "easy" and they don't want to think of themselves as "easy" (understandable).  So there is that conflict.  BY DEFINITION, that can't be resolved easily on one date and 20 texts.  If you're interested, you can avail yourself of the opportunity, but the onus is on you to remember that, and do what you can after to make them feel like it wasn't a mistake, and they are not a whore.   Or, if you're not interested, hopefully you can be man enough to not take advantage of the situation and further "burn in" the ideas they already have.  Sylvan, I think she's wicked attracted to you but somewhere (maybe it's the weed, I don't know) she's rationalizing a compromise she has to make to be with you.  Maybe if she sees you and realizes that the weed doesn't make you a lazy stoner interested in nothing but the Dead and your PS3, things might change. 

[Prog Snob]

Why would a guy ask for a picture of me in pigtails sucking a lollipop?   

[bout to crash]

Why the hell not?!

Stadler, the friend with the girlfriend with the trauma was mine, and I mostly agree. She may have legit issues but I don't necessarily think that's why she suddenly broke it off with him since the ex recently came back into the picture.

And yeah, plant guy is definitely very wrapped up in himself and is looking less and less attractive the more time passes.  I almost want to tell him off for being that way, but it probably won't have any benefit. I'm just leaving it alone despite the urge to text.

[Prog Snob]

Why the hell not?!

Stadler, the friend with the girlfriend with the trauma was mine, and I mostly agree. She may have legit issues but I don't necessarily think that's why she suddenly broke it off with him since the ex recently came back into the picture.

And yeah, plant guy is definitely very wrapped up in himself and is looking less and less attractive the more time passes.  I almost want to tell him off for being that way, but it probably won't have any benefit. I'm just leaving it alone despite the urge to text.

Well maybe for you, I'd do that J.    

[Stadler]

Why the hell not?!

Stadler, the friend with the girlfriend with the trauma was mine, and I mostly agree. She may have legit issues but I don't necessarily think that's why she suddenly broke it off with him since the ex recently came back into the picture.

And yeah, plant guy is definitely very wrapped up in himself and is looking less and less attractive the more time passes.  I almost want to tell him off for being that way, but it probably won't have any benefit. I'm just leaving it alone despite the urge to text.

I'm sorry; my mistake.  I wouldn't have piled on with two examples from you if I had realized.  Please don't read anything into that. 

[cramx3]

Girls write a lot of contradictory things in their profiles like Stadler mentioned, but like Prog, I don't take the profiles too seriously, other than judging a few simple things. 

As for marijuana since it seems a few of us do it or date people who do it.  One of the few things I do take seriously is I don't normally try to talk to girls who answer the question "would you date someone who does drugs?" with a "no" there is an option for "yes, but only marijuana" that is essentially the only question I look at because I know there is no way a relationship will work if one opposes the use and one enjoys the use (unless you want to give it up, which I do not wish to in my near future at least). Or if they don't answer that question. 

[bout to crash]

Yeah, my answer to that one is "only soft stuff like marijuana." I think I left the drug thing unanswered in my profile though, because it's not something I really want to publicize.

[Prog Snob]

Yeah, my answer to that one is "only soft stuff like marijuana." I think I left the drug thing unanswered in my profile though, because it's not something I really want to publicize.

Same here. I don't know what might happen. I tried weed once on a whim, you never know what else might pop up.

[TioJorge]

FLAGGED, SNOB IS A DEVIANT AND THE HEAD OF A CARTEL! TAKE 'EM DOWN, BOIZ.


Even when I was knee deep in intoxicants of all kinds I never publicized that shit. I mean..not that I've ever online dated for any prolonged period of time, and despite that I haven't had a social media profile for about a decade but even so... It always cracks me up to see Einsteins getting in trouble because Susie Q just HAD to take that picture of herself with her pimps and hos ripping on that bong or smokin' that jay (or worse, if you're really going for that MacArthur Fellowship). YES. THIS WILL MAKE YOU POPULAR WITH ALL THE REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE AND AS COOL AND SUCCESSFUL AS SNOOP DOG LION.

Not only is there no reason to publicize things like that, there are heaping amounts of reasons NOT to. Unless you are lucky enough to either be financially set and/or have a really stable job that just doesn't give a shit what you do.

[DebraKadabra]

FLAGGED, SNOB IS A DEVIANT AND THE HEAD OF A CARTEL! TAKE 'EM DOWN, BOIZ.

Stadler, good points as usual.  The selectiveness and ease of rejection with the technology today has changed the way we all date.  I always think about unjustly "dumping" a girl.  But there is some deep psychology behind it in my mind, for me.  I spent 9 years with a girl and the last 2 of them (the two years after I proposed to her) I knew it was not going to work and could not effectively dump her.  My counselor we saw together to see if we could make it work, told me after I let him know why I knew it wouldn't work "you are a pussy, you know what you have to do".  Well it took another 6 months after that, but ending the engagement was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  Every time I start feeling like things aren't going to go anywhere with a girl, I get the feeling I need to end it now, before I get too attached.  It's sad to admit this, but I've ended it with almost every girl I've dated so I definitely know I can pull the trigger quick and I know for a fact some of these woman would make great wives, just not for me. (including my ex).

I can SO relate to this. Wey and I were together for a little over 8 years, and engaged for almost that long. Pulling the trigger on that, as you put it, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I tried to go that route 2 years before I finally DID it, but I wasn't facing my fears and the pull to stay with him until I finally realized that I needed to pull the trigger or I would quite literally die inside. That wasn't an acceptable option, and Wey and I now are actually still close friends (we always were, really). It just didn't happen for us on a deeper level to a certain point.

I'm glossing over a lot of that, because the doings of that time are deeply personal and I feel it was a journey I needed to go through to grow and realize things about myself and the relationships I sought with men to the point of the break up. I feel much more comfortable within myself, and more comfortable in knowing my worth. My relationship with myself is of more importance right now than ANY relationship I may have with another man at this point. I know in my heart that I did the right thing, and I'm not beating myself up over a lot of it anymore. It just didn't work out how we wanted it to.

[bout to crash]

Well said. A great way to look at the situation.

[sylvan]

My relationship with myself is of more importance right now than ANY relationship I may have with another man at this point. I know in my heart that I did the right thing, and I'm not beating myself up over a lot of it anymore. It just didn't work out how we wanted it to.

I felt exactly this way for the majority of the last 10 years. This just isn't something I can do without being okay with ME. But, while I understand the concept first hand, it didn't come from a breakup. It wasn't attached to that. Recently I got very close with someone who ended up pulling away because she wasn't ready to date yet and didn't want to hurt me. I had a hard time with it, and still do sometimes. It really makes me wonder how people get past the breakup of a long time relationship. I emotionally can't let go of someone who I didn't even have an actual relationship with, and I can't respect that this same someone is still hurt by bad longtime relationships. The irony is not lost on me.

Sylvan, I think she's wicked attracted to you but somewhere (maybe it's the weed, I don't know) she's rationalizing a compromise she has to make to be with you.  Maybe if she sees you and realizes that the weed doesn't make you a lazy stoner interested in nothing but the Dead and your PS3, things might change. 

I tried to take things in a different direction tonight. I thought it might have been going well,  but kinda didn't get there. I did start to change the tone though. I'm trying to get her away from thinking about the future and only thinking about me in terms of long-term potential. It's a fine line to flirt sexually and not come off like a creep. But really, I got nothing to lose here anyways. There's gotta be a way to get some without deceiving her about the future... right?

[bout to crash]

Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?

I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message

[Prog Snob]

Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?

I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message

My ex-wife did that to me. She created this profile that seemed like the perfect girl for me, so when I messaged this person all excited and elated and she told me it was her, I was so fucking pissed. 

[cramx3]

Totally. I wish more people would just be in the moment with this sort of stuff and not analyze to death what the future might be. Most relationships don't last forever, so why not just focus on enjoying right now while you have it?

I have so little spare time, but I've been enjoying browsing around OKC and even sent out a couple messages. Also found a friend on there and sent her a fake creepy message

My ex-wife did that to me. She created this profile that seemed like the perfect girl for me, so when I messaged this person all excited and elated and she told me it was her, I was so fucking pissed. 

Wow, that seems pretty fucked up.

Deb, it's nice to know someone out there can relate.  It is totally important to work on yourself and they way we cope and recover from ending attachments is different for all.  Another girl I've been talking to (I don't really see us going anywhere, but she is nice to talk to) told me she spent the two years after her break up just working hard and building a career and didn't date at all.  I was the opposite, I went right out and dated after I broke up with my ex.  I also busted ass at work and travelled a lot.  For me, that was my way of breaking away from the past.  But when you think about it, both of us just tried to find something to do with our time to make the "getting over and moving on" phase easier.  If I sat home and did nothing, I think I would be miserable.

Now that I am a bit older and wiser from my past relationships, I can agree with the idea of "living in the moment" and just enjoying life and what you do have. 

Phonesexy girl and I met up for margaritas last night and got the real deed done, I really like this girl.  Not just because she was fun, but she is very outgoing and mature (well she is 6 years older than me so she better be mature).  Our conversation was just so natural and there was no awkwardness to having had phone sex before meeting (I thought there was potential for that), in fact we joked quite a bit about it. 

[Prog Snob]

That's awesome. It seems things are flowing nicely for you with her.

[cramx3]

That's awesome. It seems things are flowing nicely for you with her.

I'd like to think they are flowing nicely for her with me as well.  Honestly, she is pretty much what I am looking for.  Someone mature, sexually experienced, outgoing, and has a job/life outside of a significant other/me.  Our conversations have been so easy, we definitely had a "click" last night.  I very much look forward to seeing her again.  Before our phone convo Sunday night we weren't planning on meeting up until next Sunday night, but now that things went well, I could see us hanging out again before that, but we will see.  I just don't want to rush and get my hopes too high here though.  Kind of went a lot faster than I am used to so this is not exactly the way I have normally experienced dating.

[Prog Snob]

Just go with the flow, that's all. Things seem to PROGressing nicely and that's a good thing.