The Mental Health Thread - Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, etc.

[Hyperplex]

I think the last thread like this is 3 years old, so I figured we could start anew. Post and share, only if you want to and are comfortable, of course, and perhaps get some feedback, help, advice, or simply commiseration. I've always felt that no one should ever have to suffer and struggle alone, so maybe a gathering of friends and similarly affected people might give some of us some solace.

No attacks, no judgments, and please keep all of it here unless the conversation moves to a private one. This should be a thread of reassurance and help, not violation. This isn't pro-meds/anti-therapy or anti-meds/pro-therapy. It's just a means of additional support, if desired.

--

I suffer from major depression and severe anxiety. The older I have gotten, the more debilitating my anxiety has become, and it is actually at the forefront of my concerns right now. I'm not sure if it's just the way life gets more intense and meaningful as you get older or if I am somehow becoming less capable of coping as I get older. I am thinking I need to find someone to talk to about it, but for some reason I have this block against doing anything about it. I don't feel like it would be a bad thing at all, I guess I'm just nervous about what it would entail.

[gmillerdrake]

I battled pretty severe anxiety in my early 20's....I'd have at least one anxiety attack a day for probably three years straight. Looking back I'm fairly certain it coincided with the massive amount of pot I was smoking at the time and how paranoid I was. I was really in to Conspiracy Theories....not the run of the Mill JFK was killed by our own government stuff but the David Icke...Illuminati....4th dimension Reptile crap.

I think I shared in the last one I got to the point where I would intentionally ramp myself up to have an attack because I 'liked' the feeling that I got right as one hit. It was almost like a high. Ultimately a simple comment from my younger brother one day seemingly ended my attacks. I had went on a Conspiracy Theory tirade about some BS and at the end of it all he said..."If that's the case, then what can YOU really do about it?"

I know each persons anxiety is tied to something different but I do hope that you can find an escape....I know how brutal it is.

[Chino]

I'm completely fucked in the head. I've got pretty solid depression and anxiety on an almost daily basis, and my brain goes to a lot of dark places if I'm not constantly aware of where it's going. I cope with it alright, but my job doesn't help any, and now being a real "adult", owning a house and stuff, exacerbates all of it.   

This will sound bitchy and immature I'm sure, but I think a lot of it stems from the realization that this is it. I spent my whole life preparing to be a worker ant for society. Sure there are perks to my salary and there are plenty of good moments, but my life, at least as it stands now, is really nothing more than a constant onslaught of deadlines and homework in order to not starve to death and survive capitalism. I spend an awful lot of time doing stuff I really dislike and am made miserable by for a couple hours of entertainment on the weekends.

Then there's the guilt that comes along with it. I get paid a stupid amount for what I actually do on a daily basis. There are people that would kill for my job and they'd do it for a third of my salary without blinking an eye. Then there are people in shitholes around this planet that make mud bricks for 18 hours a day in 100 degree heat for about $3.00 a week. I should have literally zero reason to be unhappy with my current life situation, but at the end of the day, the darkness is still there.

[Hyperplex]

I've always struggled with the whole "someone else has it worse/you could have it worse/hey at least you aren't..." mentality. I constantly try to tell myself that the struggles I go through could be worse so stop treating them like they are Earth-shattering, but that never works. Likewise, if someone says it to me, I want to punch them because how dare they pass judgment on what I'm feeling. How could they possibly understand. I am also of the belief that each person's struggle is his or her own, and its severity relative to others' is irrelevant; to that person, it is life.

My emotional and physical responses to stress are whacked and I hate it, but I honestly do not know what to do about them, which is why I am thinking I need to talk to someone. I am on medication that does do an amazing job, especially for my depression, but I am never truly free of any of it, and as I said, as adult life continues and responsibilities mount, my anxiety intensifies and kind of becomes a bedfellow of my depression.

One of the most conflicting feelings I've ever experienced is trying to fight through a crippling anxiety attack where I am literally shaking and feel like my heart is about to explode out of my chest, feeling like I need to jump up and work like a madman to get rid of it all, but being simultaneously paralyzed in my bed, not wanting to move, only wanting to sleep, to escape consciousness because I can't fathom the concept of opening my eyes and facing reality.

*long, deep sigh*

I sigh a lot.

[Chino]

I battled pretty severe anxiety in my early 20's....I'd have at least one anxiety attack a day for probably three years straight. Looking back I'm fairly certain it coincided with the massive amount of pot I was smoking at the time and how paranoid I was. I was really in to Conspiracy Theories....not the run of the Mill JFK was killed by our own government stuff but the David Icke...Illuminati....4th dimension Reptile crap.

I was going to write that my cannabis use is probably one of the only things that helps me keep it in check, and it's sometimes the only thing that will help me fall asleep that isn't created in a laboratory and/or prescribed.

[gmillerdrake]

I battled pretty severe anxiety in my early 20's....I'd have at least one anxiety attack a day for probably three years straight. Looking back I'm fairly certain it coincided with the massive amount of pot I was smoking at the time and how paranoid I was. I was really in to Conspiracy Theories....not the run of the Mill JFK was killed by our own government stuff but the David Icke...Illuminati....4th dimension Reptile crap.

I was going to write that my cannabis use is probably one of the only things that helps me keep it in check, and it's sometimes the only thing that will help me fall asleep that isn't created in a laboratory and/or prescribed.

It's odd because I now know that the Pot and Alcohol I was self administering was really just me dulling the pain and keeping the emotion of being sexually abused as a kid buried. I 'enjoyed' my time as a total stoner....but like I said....between the mental anguish I was struggling with coming to the realization that the muddy memories I had of being abused were actually real combined with the retarded Conspiracy crap I was filling my mind with.....the Pot use just eventually got to the point of being more fuel to the anxiety than helping.

The last time I smoked weed was Nine years ago (I remember because my oldest son was 1) and it had been probably a year or so since I had even smoked it then. I was on a Turkey hunting trip and I smoked a big ol joint with a buddy then went and sat in a Turkey stand in the middle of the woods and began to mind fuck myself for about four hours. "You're a horrible Dad....look at you you stoner"...."What kind of Husband and Father are you doing this"......just a total mind job.

Keep in mind this is during the end days of my struggles with alcohol and trying to fight the reality that I was an alcoholic....so I was just tormenting myself. Anyway, it wasn't a fun experience at all and I realized that those days were behind me.

[Kotowboy]

Hi. i'm Kotowboy...

i'll just sit in the corner.


  don't mind me.

[Phoenix87x]

Let's see, I have:

1. Pretty solid OCD. I like to stay organized and regimented. Double checking things are turned off, if doors are locked. Stuff like that.

2. Occasional social anxiety, where I just do not want to be around people or crowded together with people. Sometimes I would call it social frustration, like please just get away from me. I go to school in the city and all I want to do is get out, but luckily school is almost done. 

3. Real bad neglect/trust issues. I used to be scared by being loved, but now that's WAY better. I still have trouble showing love though. 

4. Used to have daddy issues, but I feel a lot better about that these days. He never made a single attempt to see me from the day I was born up until today.

5. Time compulsion. Being on time is a compulsion

6. I wouldn't say that I have depression formally, but I will say that from time to time (like once a year) get pretty depressed, but have always been able to come out of it. Any summer where I am not in a relationship is a true and utter nightmare.

7. I mood swing, not to the point of bipolar. But its there 

8. Short temper, but not all the time. I find that I can handle 2 shitty things going on, but once it goes 3+ all at once then that's where I start getting upset

9. Introversion- this one is a complicated. If I am around a bunch of people I am cool with, such as at work, everything is great, I am the life of the party, but if I am around people I can not relate to, I want out Immediately. I can not stand forced/fake small talk.

10. Overly assertive/quick to being aggressive as a way of defense. I was powerless in my childhood to do anything. Constant screwed up shit going on toward me, toward other people and on and on. I was trapped, so I was powerless to stand up for myself. And I mean like age 7-18. I left the day I turned 18, but the point being, now when people begin to start shit with me, 18 years of not being able to fight back comes out all at once, because now I refuse to be a victim and stand up for myself like a mad man. This is still a problem to this day.


*** One thing that I am happy to say is that I have healthy outlets for all of that. Such as I play/write music, ride motorcycles, going to the gym, go hiking in the state park that is close to my house. I am very lucky to have a damn good step dad and grandfather who I can talk to and work through things. So that is one thing I am grateful for and all those things make it much easier to deal with.

[Hyperplex]

I looked up a therapist recommended by my doctor, so we'll see if I finally go for it. I'm just getting to the point where I am sick of feeling out of control of my own emotions. For some reason I have been able to deal with my depression throughout my life, even thought when I was younger it was much more severe. I made a jarring realization to myself the other day when my anxiety subsided a bit but my depression was still there: it was a relief to be depressed, because I knew that feeling well, was accustomed to it. The anxiety was wrecking me and feeling something familiar, even if it hurt, was a relief.

[Hyperplex]

*** One thing that I am happy to say is that I have healthy outlets for all of that. Such as I play/write music, ride motorcycles, going to the gym, go hiking in the state park that is close to my house. I am very lucky to have a damn good step dad and grandfather who I can talk to and work through things. So that is one thing I am grateful for and all those things make it much easier to deal with.

That's a great point. Within all of the issues and shortcomings I have, my family is my source of pure joy. I am lucky in that I am very close with my mom and can share anything with her. She's been a rock of support my whole life. I have the most loving, caring wife in the world and our kids bring us nothing but happiness. Our dog, as well, is a huge boon. Just this morning, while I was sitting on the sofa trying to relax before leaving for work, he climbed up next to me and laid his head on my lap. Just the warmth and weight of him on me was like a silent "I love you, I'm here, too." It helped.

I wouldn't be half as functional as I am without them all in my life, and I am eternally grateful that I am fortunate enough to call them family. And this is something I try to remind myself, within the darkest and most troubling thoughts I have, there are things for which I am thankful, and that give me joy.

[millahh]

I've always struggled with the whole "someone else has it worse/you could have it worse/hey at least you aren't..." mentality. I constantly try to tell myself that the struggles I go through could be worse so stop treating them like they are Earth-shattering, but that never works.

That's a pretty common feeling...but it's also (to be blunt) a load of shit, and you probably know that already.  Just because someone out there "has it worse" doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have it better than you do...and no reasonable person would ever claim that if you have a broken arm, you shouldn't do anything about it because your neighbor has a broken leg.  We all deserve to cast off our pain and heal.  I firmly believe this whole "someone else has it worse" stoicism was originated with people who either didn't want to take responsibility for how their actions hurt someone else, or just thought that mental health in general was messy and inconvenient. 

I'm working through my own demons at the moment, finally dealing with childhood abuse that I had never labeled as such, and its lingering effects.  On vacation at the moment, but when I get back I gear up for having the "talk" with my dad, who was the distant/enabling one (my mom is the narcissist).  Good times.

[Hyperplex]

I think one of my fears of pursuing therapy is that I'll be told to talk things out with my dad, which I not only know won't accomplish anything, but has also been done before and nothing every changes.

I just have this block ... but I think I need it now more than ever.

[millahh]

I think one of my fears of pursuing therapy is that I'll be told to talk things out with my dad, which I not only know won't accomplish anything, but has also been done before and nothing every changes.

I just have this block ... but I think I need it now more than ever.

Try it and see where it goes.  And as far as talking with your dad, and whether it does or doesn't accomplish anything...those conversations are not about the other person repenting, apologizing, seeing the light, etc.; they are about your own feelings, clarity and experience.  Whether or not the conversation is successful is not about the response you get back, but about the process that brings you to the point of having that conversation, and how you can talk about what you experienced.  That said, the conversation itself can still be important.  And a previous conversation having felt futile doesn't mean anything about the next one...I had some failed/frustrating conversations before I had more clarity about what really happened and how it affected me.  Odds are you won't truly get through to the other person, as they have a vested interest in not hearing what you have to say (cognitive dissonance will resolve in their favor, not yours)...hinging how you feel on their response is continuing to give the other person power to damage you (whatever their intent).

[Hyperplex]

It isn't so much that he is still damaging me, he isn't. It's what occurred growing up, which is more emotional neglect than abuse. I'd rather work on myself than try to fix things with others, if that makes sense. But that concern is certainly no reason to put off finding someone to talk to. I just need to kick myself in the ass to do it.

[gmillerdrake]

finding someone to talk to. I just need to kick myself in the ass to do it.

I can tell you from personal experience that I did the same exact thing when I was struggling with the realization of the abuse I went through as a kid. I thought....like I had done my entire life.....that I could figure it out myself and I wouldn't 'bother' anyone else with it. The greatest decision I ever made was finally seeking Professional help to work through those emotions and obtain a firm understanding of it all. I know it's a tough call to make....but it is worth it.

[millahh]

It isn't so much that he is still damaging me, he isn't. It's what occurred growing up, which is more emotional neglect than abuse. I'd rather work on myself than try to fix things with others, if that makes sense. But that concern is certainly no reason to put off finding someone to talk to. I just need to kick myself in the ass to do it.

I can kick your ass for you

And just to be clear...just because may have a conversation w/ a person who damaged you doesn't mean you're trying to fix things with them.  i've had a couple of conversations w/ my mom about certain aspects, and I long ago realized that it would make zero impact in my life if she were to die (estate logistics notwithstanding).

[Kotowboy]

The problem I had with talking to someone was I constantly felt like a totally selfish self obsessed idiot talking about how *I* feel.


I didn't go back.

[Hyperplex]

I understand that feeling. I'm much better listening to others than I am talking about myself. The thing is, therapy is almost the very definition of self-centeredness; it has to be. The focus of the treatment is you, so naturally that has to be the focus of discussion.

[lonestar]

Checking in....  Anxiety and of course sever addiction issues. I've got some control over my addiction which has helped tremendously with the anxiety, as has a few good years working with an excellent therapist. I advise it for anyone, and be patient with yourself, it takes time man.

[Hyperplex]

RJ, you've continued to be someone I highly respect not just because you're a cool person and a talented chef, but because you've overcome your own demons well enough to speak about them openly and move beyond them. I admire that.

[Skeever]

Gonna come at this from another angle. I'm married to someone who has depression and anxiety. I love my wife and things are great the majority of the time, but there are definitely some times that are harder than need be thanks to her anxiety. And it's tough, not really knowing how to react, or what to do or say. Of course, like any other human being, I have occasional bouts of anxiety or depression, but it's nothing chronically nagging or lingering. Sometimes it causes me to be depressed, because I think I'm part of the equation that's leading her to have such a bad time.

[Dr. DTVT]

I've shared some of this with a very small handful of people here, but I think sometimes people here have a view of me outside of this place that might not match up with reality.

When I was in grad school, I battled depression on and off.  I never had mood sings or anything to classify as bi-polar, it was just sometimes I had things to take my mind off how shitty life was, and sometimes I didn't.  Then in a two week span I: defended my dissertation, graduated, and had a job interview where I either knocked it so far out of the park or the other person didn't and they offered me the job the next day.  This started what was probably the happiest year of my life (May 2012 - Sept 2013).  I had a job I really enjoyed, I worked with a great faculty, and had some of my favorite students.  What this highlighted, however, was that I probably could not make strides in non-professional areas of my life.  I realized that my only hope of finding wife-grade material (for me at least) was if the school hired a single woman.  It was rural, and it was making it hard to do some things I like doing.  I was starting year two of a two year contract, and I was having an honest conversation with a coworker about my uncertainty of wanting to stay in the area, and it I didn't realize it at the time, but at the table behind to me was the school Provost.  When I applied for the tenure-track position, I was only given an interview because it didn't cost the school anything - I was later told that the search committee was pressured to find a candidate who wasn't going to leave them doing another position search in a few years (as an aside - it generally costs even a small school upwards of $7000 just to search for a position, on top of tons of man-hours).  I was kind of bummed, but I understood and I probably would have been looking for greener grass so I got their POV.

That left me looking for a job, and I landed a one-year position at a school in Florida.  On paper, this was a step up in terms of academic prestige.  The first two months at work were ok and the non-work issues I had in S. Carolina seemed to be resolved: I was very happy geographically with what was around both in terms of things to do and quality of the dating pool.  Then, the wheels started to come off.  The faculty at the school was largely unsocial and more uptight than a straight man on his first night in prison, which was completely the opposite of my first job.  After making payments on my old house in Virginia I had on the market for two years, I realized I couldn't keep paying for two places, so I stopped paying the mortgage (no choice) and eventually it got foreclosed on, so my credit is ruined.  Since moving is expensive, I didn't want to move, so my boss at the school got me the job I had last year - more on that later.

The first week of class after Thanksgiving, one of my students came in my office and closed the door.  YOU NEVER CLOSE A PROFESSOR'S DOOR unless you are told to do so.  I was trapped in my office.  He proceeded to tell me that I ruined his life because he was getting a low C in organic chemistry, that he wouldn't be able to get into med school and that he was going back to his room to kill himself.  He then left my office.  I immediately call campus security, and they get to his room where he had a loaded gun.  If he decided he was going to take me out first, I would have been dead.  Guns on campus are a touchy subject for me as I was a grad student at Virginia Tech when the shootings happened there, and one of the students killed was one of my students.  At this point, I'm a mess.  I don't want to go to work or my office any more.  The school got me woefully insufficient counseling.

The second semester I fell apart.  I was barely functional some parts of my job, and I had several meetings with the dean where I got bitched at about falling behind on grading and not teaching the class the way the full time professor wanted it done, despite having proved the previous semester that my methods were as effective or possibly more effective based on the national standardized test we give for a final exam.  Finishing the year there was such a relief.

So, in order to try to restock my savings, I was given a job at a private high school that my boss at the college was on the board of directors.  It actually paid more than what I made at either college, and I was assured that the students were the tops in the county.  While there were some really bright students (a few Ivy league students), I would say that about 2/3's of the student population were spoiled rich kids.  The administration has neutered the faculty, and if you want to keep you job, you don't give C's, and you better have a damn good reason if you want to give a B.  I refuse to participate in grade inflation, and was not renewed due to "student performance".  In the past four years, no students had earned a 4 or 5 on the AP Chemistry exam, and only four (out of 48) got a 3 on the exam.  Out of sixteen students, I had one 5, two 4's, and four 3's.  The rest of the students were Chinese students who probably would have done just fine if the exam was in Chinese, but their English is so poor they really don't stand a chance.  Those scores just came in, so that was after the decision was made to not renew me.  The kids liked me, the faculty liked me, and most of the parents liked me - but I gave kids the poor grades they earned and the administration was just tired of them bitching.  The administration is so incompetent there that they had two teachers quit mid-year, and had 12 others decide on their own not to return, including a teacher that had won "Florida Teacher of the Year" at her previous school the year before.  She left to go back to public school after one year at the crazy house.

So right now, I am packing to move because my housing lease ends at the end of the month.  I have had two interviews that I am waiting to hear back from, but both told me I would hear from them by July 15.  I have no idea where I will be living in two weeks.  This move will deplete my savings again.  I'm almost 38, single, have a fuckload of debt, my career is in reverse, I am overweight with two shot knees from injuries that make even jogging semi-dangerous, and I'm smart enough to realize what a shitshow my life is and that I'm pretty much an underachieving fuck up.  After having dealt with a friend's suicide when I was younger, I can't put anyone though that so don't worry about that.  However, if I had terminal cancer, I don't see that as suicide, so I really wish I had an inoperable brain tumor so I had a reason to just go wild, travel the world while I still had my mental faculties, and then OD on morphine in Oregon or whatever the closest state that allows mercy killings for terminal patients is.

If you read all of that, thank you.  Here is a cookie for your patience.  Also - please do not say anything about this on facebook.  Part of my problem is I need to keep pretty much all of my family in the dark on this.

[Hyperplex]

Wis I had more to say than I'm sorry, man. You're a cool dude, and for whatever it's worth from a no name on the internet, none of the situations you've had to endure label you as a fuckup to me.

[Dr. DTVT]

No, I pretty much am; but thanks for saying otherwise.

[ariich]

I think one of my fears of pursuing therapy is that I'll be told to talk things out with my dad, which I not only know won't accomplish anything, but has also been done before and nothing every changes.

I just have this block ... but I think I need it now more than ever.

I think this depends on what kind of therapy. A lot of what we normally call counselling in the UK (I don't know if the terminology is exactly the same across the pond) can feel like that, as I understand it. And I'm sure it can be hugely beneficial in some circumstances, particularly where, for example, a challenging relationship is very much a live issue.

But if your struggles come from the way you think about/react to things, which may well have been caused by relationship problems in the past but fixing the latter won't fix the former, then something like CBT might be more appropriate. I know a few people very close to me who have struggled with depression/anxiety, and I can't say that CBT magically fixes things (obviously), but those who tried it found it valuable in understanding why they think/react the way they do, and starting to change that.

This may well be something you've tried before, so apologies if it's not relevant. But I'd be very happy to talk about it a bit more (either here or in private).

[Dr. DTVT]

But if your struggles come from the way you think about/react to things, which may well have been caused by relationship problems in the past but fixing the latter won't fix the former, then something like CBT might be more appropriate. I know a few people very close to me who have struggled with depression/anxiety, and I can't say that CBT magically fixes things (obviously), but those who tried it found it valuable in understanding why they think/react the way they do, and starting to change that.

Not to make light of this thread, but if you have a dirty mind this post is a gold mine.

[Hyperplex]

A little levity never hurts. Sometimes it's needed.

[bout to crash]

I can offer CBT if anybody is interested!

But for real, Mason, that all really blows

And Chino, I think about that stuff too, like just being this worker bee and living for the weekend... but I also love my job, it's just draining. And I do feel kind of trapped in a certain way of life, when sometimes I just want to travel the world or be hobo or something.

Phoenix- introversion is so not a mental health issue
I have my limits with people for sure, but it's just a personality/energy thing.

Anyway, my primary issue these days is anxiety. It's always there and it gets really old and really exhausting. I have the depression stuff sometimes, but that hasn't been severe since I was a teenager, thankfully.

[Hyperplex]

This morning I had that feeling again where my anxiety melted away but my depression was there in force, and the hurt and lowness was almost comforting, like a return to *my* normal. Which is, quite frankly, fucking pathetic.

[Lynxo]

I've been dealing with depression just about all my adult life. I've had a big one, starting december last year when I got a new job. The new job turned out be...well, let's put it this way, my employeer had big trouble actually finding work for me, so I ended up staying at home, waiting for the phone to ring, for two months, before finally receiving some actual work. And then I was put in a work place where I didn't feel comfortable at all.
Two months ago, I found myself yet another job and finally, I'm at a working place where I really feel at home and at ease. But even so, it took these months to finally relax and starting to trust these people. Which is absurd, considering how nice they are and how much they encourage me, while still making sure I know I'm appreciated here.

And that is due to my very first work place, the place I ran away from in the first place. I worked there for seven years and was just about mentally abused there. The conditions were horrible and I was led to believe that I sucked at what I do. After seven years of that, it's stuck in my head, these feelings of never being good enough. That's why I have such a hard time trusting my current boss when he tells me I'm doing a good job.

And that's only my issues concerning work. If I'm going to also tell about my fucked up family who just about hates each other and other stuff, this will go on for far to long.

So yeah, not sure what I wanted to say with this post.

[Cable]

, then something like CBT might be more appropriate. I know a few people very close to me who have struggled with depression/anxiety, and I can't say that CBT magically fixes things (obviously),

I can offer CBT if anybody is interested!

As one of the other MH workers here, I use DBT, so that's related!

CBT is like the current standard. Shown to be effective with most disorders, and rather brief by comparison. That said, basically all styles have shown to be effective. More about the therapist and client dynamic.

The problem I had with talking to someone was I constantly felt like a totally selfish self obsessed idiot talking about how *I* feel.


I didn't go back.

It sounds that way for sure, but it's what it is for. The therapist is not getting paid to tell you how many problems they have. And if they are, that is a bad therapist IMO.  Often after a client just unloaded some thoughts and emotions and say it helped, I reflect on that with them and note that it's good they have an outlet for that. From my perspective, it's hard to see if venting helps.

But it at times takes trial and error with the person. And to me, like a primary care physician or whatever, some can really not be a fit with you. So much more important with a therapist as talking is the thing.

I've been dealing with depression just about all my adult life.

And that's only my issues concerning work. If I'm going to also tell about my fucked up family who just about hates each other and other stuff, this will go on for far to long.

I just said this in my one group today. If I had a magic wand, or an anti-MH pill that cured things in 30 days, I would love to do it. But most MH disorders are a chronic thing, lasting many years and potentially beyond. Sucks a lot. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

[orcus116]

I know I'm not alone in this but maybe someone with more experience or a therapy background could help define it. I am reaching a point in my life where I'm getting what I would consider a mild depression from time to time or at least feelings of it. My biggest enemy is my complacency which has been programmed into my personality and I give into it more often than not. Over the last year I've been staying in a lot more than I should and I haven't really made any new friends in a long time. The friends I have that lived around me have moved out of town and we hang out when they come up and I go see them from time to time but I've pretty much lost any drive to go meet new people because it's out of my comfort zone and frankly I am allowing myself to become more and more OK with that. I get feelings of that embarrassment "crawl in a hole" (for lack of a better term) by myself a lot when I happen to think about it and my main mental reaction is "well, this is how it is". I really think it's a sign of losing some self worth which sounds a little wrong since the one thing that I really take pride in is my job which seems the opposite of some who, like Chino said, makes them feel like they're just some cog in a wheel. I know I'm damn good at what I do and I've been told just as much. Outside of that I'm just kind of withering away on the social level. I keep in touch with people and I socialize very well with the friends I have but I'm at a point where I usually have to do all of the instigating. An absolutely frivolous example but one that may speak to where I am is just yesterday one of my friends had a ton of pictures and posts from his other friends on Facebook celebrating his birthday and I just think that when I turn 30 come January I should be having big to do and congrats as well but it may just be me and maybe one or two other friends celebrating by doing something I have to plan myself (last year I went out with some friends but no one offered to pay for anything even though it was my birthday which made me feel kind of crappy but I shrugged it off).

I've often wondered too if something like a therapist would help but I'm so closed up that I would almost refuse to answer a lot of other things (not mentioned here) because I've vowed never to open up out of pure embarrassment. I know I'm too self conscious but I'm 29 now and I'm coming to the realization that it's really stunting me socially and, to me, I believe I'm almost at a point where I can't reverse how complacent I've become. To be clear I've definitely been to some dark places mentally recently but they're more out of "what if" curiosity and don't last too long and I'm generally OK with life but I just can't get out of that "this is where I'm at so just live with it and fade away at some point" mentality.

[Skeever]

Halfway through your post I found myself thinking "sounds like you're approaching 30"

Anyway I don't think a good talk therapist would pry you open like that. Not like you walk in and have to immediately confess everything. I would try it, and see how you feel.

[Kotowboy]

My problem is I hate talking about myself and I don't really want to take drugs.

I guess I would be open to having anti anxiety medication because I can have a panic attack over the slightest thing.

But i've heard that when you come off anti depressants - it can be worse than not taking them.

Soooo.... Hmmmm.

[Phoenix87x]

My problem is I hate talking about myself and I don't really want to take drugs.

I guess I would be open to having anti anxiety medication because I can have a panic attack over the slightest thing.

But i've heard that when you come off anti depressants - it can be worse than not taking them.

Soooo.... Hmmmm.

Here's a quick run down on med options. Anxiety and depression meds are two different classes and for anxiety you wouldn't really be messing with anti-depressants

Your typical, cornerstone anxiety meds consist of Benzo's AKA benzodiazepines. They basically chill people out and consists of meds such as Valium, Xanex, Ativan, Klonopin and so forth. They do work and do help with anxiety, but people can get addicted to them, and if someone were to get off of them, they would have to ween off. These are controlled substances.

There's two ways you can go with them. One is daily use as a maintenance med, or the 2nd option is emergency use only. For example, go about you daily life, but if you feel a panic attack about to happen, you can take one and it will prevent it or lessen its severity. That way you are not constantly using them, but at the same time, you have the peace of mind of knowing they are there if needed.

Another option exists which is hydroxyzine and I think that's a good place to start. This med is used to treat anxiety and the best part is that its not a controlled substance and its not addictive. At the end of the day, its just an anti-histamine like benadryl. It will essentially just calm you down.